Is Kelly Oubre Secretly a Vampire?

With every NBA season, there comes a few mysteries: Unexpected trades, sudden hot streaks, and occasionally, a crazy conspiracy. Well we have another conspiracy to offer: Is Kelly Oubre Jr. actually a vampire?

We’re not saying he is. We’re just saying… the clues are piling up.

Oubre is from New Orleans, a city famous for its food, music, and extremely committed vampire folklore. If an immortal being were picking a birthplace to blend into human society, a place already known for gothic history and supernatural legends would be a pretty convenient choice.

Then there’s the recovery factor. Over the years, Oubre has had moments where he’s taken hits, gone down, or had incidents where he had to miss a little time (like getting hit by a car in 2023), only to come back looking completely refreshed and game-ready at suspicious speed. Most of us need three business days to recover from sleeping weird on our neck. Kelly Oubre Jr.? Back to full-speed NBA action like he’s a supernatural being.

We also need to address the fashion evidence. The man loves black. All black. Layered black. Gothic, high-fashion black. Tunnel fits or modern vampire formalwear? And his custom Chrome Hearts grillz? Fang-like and cross-decorated. Classic vampire lore says crosses repel, but modern vampires seem to lean into them as part of the aesthetic, so it could either be a deterrent… or part of the look.

And of course: the eyes. Perhaps what Kelly Oubre might be most famous for (besides playing in the NBA). Hypnotic. Slightly haunting. Alluring. He looks like a character straight out of Interview with the Vampire.

Oubre even said himself in a GQ interview “I’m a vampire—I like it dark, completely dark.” For context, he was talking about taking naps, but maybe, just maybe, he was secretly dropping a hint to us as well.

To be very clear: Kelly Oubre Jr. is almost certainly just a talented, fashionable, genetically blessed human being. No bats. No coffins. Probably.

Still… until we see him casually eating garlic fries at a Sixers day game in direct sunlight, we reserve the right to keep the conspiracy alive, purely for investigative purposes, of course.